How am I?
How do I feel?

I do not know how to answer those questions lately.

I am not exactly sad. I am not exactly happy either. Maybe I am somewhere close to happiness, but not fully there. I am functioning. I get through the day. I answer messages, finish tasks, and show up where I need to show up. But underneath all that, I am tired. Deeply tired.

The kind of tiredness that makes you wonder how long you can keep carrying everything before something inside you finally gives in.

This morning, I did not feel like moving. I did not feel like going out. Part of me wanted to pause everything for a while and simply take care of myself. I wanted a quiet morning without pressure. I wanted rest that did not need justification.

But responsibilities have a way of following you even into your moments of exhaustion.

There are deadlines waiting. Tasks unfinished. People expecting things from me. Even when I try to slow down, my mind keeps reminding me of everything that still needs to be done. So instead of fully resting, I stay suspended between wanting to stop and feeling unable to.

I keep telling myself: one step at a time. One task at a time.

Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it does not.

The pressure still lingers in the background like a constant noise I cannot completely silence. It makes resting feel undeserved, even when I know I need it. It makes slowing down feel dangerous, as if everything will collapse the moment I loosen my grip.

And yet, despite all this, there is still a part of me that wants to keep going.

That is the strange thing about being exhausted. Sometimes you can be tired and willing at the same time. You can want rest while still wanting to continue. You can feel overwhelmed and still care deeply about your responsibilities.

I think that is where I am right now — somewhere between rest and responsibility.

Trying not to lose myself while still trying to move forward.

Maybe I do not need to fully define what I feel today. Maybe it is enough to admit that I am carrying a lot. Maybe it is enough to recognize that I am doing my best to survive this season without becoming cruel to myself in the process.

Perhaps kindness to myself does not have to mean stopping everything completely. Maybe it simply means softening the way I move through my days. Maybe it means allowing myself to be tired without treating it as failure.

So today, I will try again.

Not perfectly.
Not forcefully.
Just gently enough to keep going without abandoning myself along the way.